Oz: Day One

I always get apprehensive before taking a major trip for extended periods of time mainly because I don’t focus on the fun I am about to have but more on the fun I am leaving behind. This trip is no exception. For the faithful two of you that read this (Hi Ali and Neda) you gals know that I have a fun filled NYC life and that I am basically a bird-in-the-hand type of guy. On default, I pretty much treat all of my food choices, TV selections, clothing stores, and comic books to this rule. Why go somewhere else when I already know I have a good thing. This is why I make myself try new things and have a six episode rule on shows/comics and always differ all restaurant choices to other people. So as I boarded my flight with a slight sore throat I thought about how much fun I would be having and all of the Elle Woods thoughts I could have.

It didn’t work.

You see my slight sore throat ended up becoming the worst sore throat known to mankind. Thankfully, I was in a row by myself and I could stretch out over four seats as I went from JFK to LAX. During the flight though I kept repeating a line to myself “Planes want to stay in the air”. I have this habit of watching LOST 24 hours before boarding flights to/from Australia that are filled with turbulence and me wondering if I am going to make it on Goodwin’s list since I tend to sit in the back of the plane. This plane flight was no different. I managed to land but couldn’t swallow (insert joke). However, the terminal at LAX I was in only had cherry flavored Halls. I hate Halls more than Lindsey hates sobriety but I still manned up and ate the whole package which may have been an overdose but let’s just call that bygones. I tried to eat but nothing was making me feel better. I returned to my little row of heaven waiting for my 14 hour flight in which I was going to watch all 13 episodes of Glee back-to-back when FML the sorority sisters came (insert bonus joke).

You see my Fortress of Solitude was invaded by two girls that were SUPER friendly in that way that bitchy over privileged sorority girls can be. The first one (lets call her A) gets on the flight and commandeers THREE of the four seats in our row. When I asked her as politely as I could as to why she felt the need to take all three seats she said “Well, it’s like me and my friend and so that gives us majority right? Me likey”. Moving past the fact that anyone that says me likey that is over the age of 8 deserves to be smacked and the fact being that I would have conceited the seat to them because majority does rule the sheer act of asking or just saying ”Hi, I’m Bambi. My friend Muffy and I are going to be in this row with you. Would you mind if we shared the third seat or under the seat storage space?” That would have been great.

Then the friend shows up (we shall call her B). The friend was delayed because her bag, which was clearly over the size capacity of being a carry on, was being “harassed” over the size of the bag. She even got into it with Vikki (our flight attendant who obviously did matter to me because I learned her name) while ON the plane because the bag “like totally fits”. I will give it to B. The bag fit – when you took everyone else’s stuff out of the overhead compartment and stored the bag sideways. The girl began reenacting her “triumph” to her friend when finally I had had enough and looked at her and said “Do you remember Aaliyah? The pop star that died in a plane crash that was caused because the plane was too heavy due to BAGGAGE?” Needless to say the girls thought I was rude.

Right after take off I decided drugs were necessary, this may have been caused by my fever but nevertheless I took the pills and went to bed. My friend Vikki woke me up for my dinner. I thought about it for a few moments and decided my seat mates and I had gotten off on the wrong foot. After all it was past midnight and we were all tired. On these long flights, if you don’t eat when they serve you food, you don’t eat. I am sure someone will refute that but as someone that has flown the cheap seats on the QF108 several times I will let you know this is no joke. I woke up A&B and let them know why I woke them up because they seriously looked like they were going to kill me. When they served us food A gets into a major tizzy that sets me off. You see A has a gluten allergy and had requested a special meal but because she had missed her original flight the meal wasn’t transferred!

There are many things that are wrong with that statement. 1. The fact that A didn’t check to see if her meal had transferred which I would have done (especially after living with the Gluten free poster child – two shout outs in one blog Ali). 2. That she was throwing a tizzy at the flight attendants that clearly had nothing to do with it. 3. That I could have avoided this entire scene had I not woken them up. 4. THEY WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY FLIGHT. Now this last thing could go one of two ways: 1. plane crash with sobbing “they weren’t supposed to be on that flight” or 2. I could have had my 4 seat bed if these girls knew how to tell time. Sick to think, but my mind works in that way especially after watching Lost 24hrs before boarding a plane to Australia.

My inner bitch laughed hysterically at this scene and I caught a glimpse of the older travelers that were seriously one martini away from joining the mile high club. I avoided contact with Vikki as she calmly explained the situation again when I noticed the other two sorority sisters that were laughing at this too. Out of somewhere the thought came to me to give the girl my salad. My parents later told me that was my conscience. I can’t remember if I coughed on it first before I handed it over though. I kid. Kinda.

Anyway, two more Tylenol PMS and I was out like Brian Dunkleman. I woke up long enough to get Orlando home sick because I finally watched Julie & Julia and all I could think of was I MUST CALL JOAN! When the plane finally landed one of the second set of sorority girls puked and A&B were busy putting on their makeup. Because that is EXACTLY when I want an eyeliner pencil close to my eye. The older couple changed numbers and I felt slightly dirty. I got through customs with only this fun exchange:

Guard: “Sir- What’s in your bag?”
Dashingly Attractive and Witty Leading Man: “Just some clothes and a stuffed Kangaroo”
Guard: “A stuffed Kangaroo? You brought a stuffed Kangaroo to Australia?”
DA&WLM:”Yes.”
Guard: “Why on Earth would you be carrying a stuffed Kangaroo to Australia?”
DA&WLM:”Because my American sister just had a baby and so it seemed appropriate to bring my niece an American Kangaroo.”
Guard: Alrighty then. Off you go.”

It took my father a whole .5 seconds to realize I was sick and my sister less than that to realize what that meant. I was taken to their new swank pad and left in the dungeon (their name for the room, not mine) to sleep and so I did. So far, Day one in Oz was spent drug fueled and in bed but not in a 70s porno way. What further adventures await me?