Humor is a B*tch

The weekend was off to a righteous bang. Her royal highness Princess Eliana the first held royal court with a boat load of visitors on Friday after mommy took the baby to her weekly weigh in at el centro solo. You see, Tio was up late working and the thought of rolling out of bed for a doctors visit made him sicker than ET when he was held captive by the government. With a still on vacation wallet, I just slept the day away until the masses invaded bringing gifts. Suzi brought the best gift in my hungry eyes because it was the best burrito I have tasted in a while. Friday was pretty chill and we repeated our night time feed ritual.

Saturday is when my life truths came back to haunt me. You see, in my life, there are three truths to be self-evident: 1. if the water is hot there is no way I am taking a 5 minute shower. 2. I hate brushing my teeth for as long as my electric tooth brush makes me do it. I still do it, but, I hate it. 3. If I make fun of something it will happen to me.

In the land of Oz there is a commercial about babies taking a number 3. A number 3 not being ejaculation but instead a massive poo which can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3ZIxjJQHP4. I have been making fun of this commercial for days because let’s face it Iris and I watch the View, Oprah, Ellen and the Kardashians so we see this commercial often. In my over 20 years of babysitting (exes included) I have never had the situation where a baby required a diaper change while driving. Until today.

So while we were on our way to the marina for a fun boating family day the little one decides to take a number two in the car while we are driving. Originally thought to not be that big of a deal because my sister and I are horrible drivers a decision was made to make her wear the dirty nappie for an extra 5 minutes while we got to our destination. BIG MISTAKE. Less then ten minutes later the flood gates that are developing into Eliana’s bowels came open and she had such a massive deposit she overflowed her diaper and got stuff in her car seat. Contented with her handy work she kept fighting Tio while he was trying to do triage and clean her slightly by moving around and getting the stuff all in her car seat.

It was the best 5 minutes ever.

My sister and I were laughing so hard at this that Iris began crying. I of course thought it was a complete FML but she actually took it like a good sport. We managed to get the baby and car seat out without spilling in the car and it took THREE adults to clean her off. This was then followed by a dockside lunch and snooze in a boat. I got to sun tan on the stern and read while Troy decided to wash the baby off with the hose. This is when our two genetics lessons came in to play. 1. Even though my sister and I have passed for twin our entire lives, I do not have her tanning gene. I go pale to lobster even with sun screen. 2. The baby has to be ours because the shriek she let out when the cold water hit her was reminiscent of my behavior at our old apartment.

After the boat ride my sister decided to cut the many lose and made me go to the beach for an hour before our faux cousin came over. It was the first time in over a year that I had been to a real beach. The water was blue, the sand was real, and the breeze made you forget the time. All things that I have yet to see in a beach above the Mason Dixon. This is a real beach mon friends and it was heaven. I just laid in the sand channeling my inner 14year old listen to Taylor and dreaming of far off days and lives that will never be.

We spent the evening of champers, strawberries, and fish chatting it up with V and caught somewhere between 1998-2000. Over all a great way to spend my last weekend in the land of my heart if not my soul.

P.S. I am going to start making fun of me winning the lotto since Troy refuses to become American in order to win Survivor for me; Ali refuses to gain weight to win Biggest Loser; my sister refuses to go on the Amazing Race with me; and I am too old and not radio ready to win Idol. Lotto here I come.