Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Love Game

Now I made a pact with myself and my keyboard that I really wouldn't talk much about my love life on this thing because to be honest there isn't much of one. Thankfully, my sister just popped out a kid which should buy me at least another 2-3 years until the kid issue comes up again with my parents. Thinking about the baby and the process that normal people take to get there made me realize what an interesting ritual dating actually is. The archaic nature of the beast being finding someone you are actually attracted to, the games it takes to go on a date, then the dates that lead up to the "conversation" and then the actual relationship which is a cycle of events that come and go on a pretty regular cycle. I being of sound mind and not so perfect body have come up with four categories: Approach, Gratification, Conflict, and Resolution.

So you are thinking to yourself that the only game I have is a dusty copy of Ultimate Alliance so what do I know about dating? I ask myself that question nightly as I climb into my warm bed and get an "I Love You" from my talking Stitch so maybe one of you naysayers can give me some hints. If you feel so inclined though I expect you to actually be good at relationships or at least getting through stage one: the approach.

Now there are many ways that this happens, according to Gossip Girl it usually happens across a crowded room full of glitteratis. In my life, it is usually just a friend of a friend or the poor inconvenient drunk I have stumbled across. Either way how to engage someone is the key role. This is the part I have the most trouble with because let's face it: I am "aggressively friendly" or in other words I ain't got game. After a certain breakup (hi Caroline P) my sister told me that the key to dating was liking the other person less than they like you.

I'm not very good at the game of pretending I don't like someone and I'm even worse at ritual of waiting three days before calling and all of those other wives tales. Maybe that is why I was better at dating K-12. The object of my affection was screwed and knew they had to see me 180+ days so they might as well give me a chance? Because we are all different there are tons of different ways for one to approach another person. Although, the only approach that I have heard of usually involves sending someone a drink. Even then it doesn't seem to work and to be honest makes me think it is creepy. Although, I freely accept drinks. The Goose-ier the better.

Next if you can move past Approach, you land into Gratification. This is where I excel. Like Bruce Jenner Olympic style excel. Now Gratification isn't just sexual you perverts. What I mean is the happy stage/feeling you get when you are first dating someone. In my mind this is the best stage to stay in and you want to stay in as long as possible and get back to it as quickly as possible. The joys of this include the texting, emailing, sharing of new articles, learning each other's favorite things and just the happy. I may not be a good dater but you'll be damned to find someone to say I'm not a good boyfriend.

Conflict. The worst part of all relationships is the moment you introduce conflict. Like adding Kara DiGuardi, conflict changes things forever. I think we all know what this is. Conflict can either strengthen you and lead you back to Gratification or send you straight into Resolution.

Resolution the part where you either accept the relationship as it is or you decide to pull a Rose and let Jack sink. This part is difficult for me because my mother made a fatal parenting mistake with me when I was younger and let me watch soaps with her. On soaps, time pretty much moves the same it moves in the real world meaning characters come and go and they age. The characters are thrust into several situations forcing them together and then they are ripped apart. Years can pass and then the characters are reconnected to one another because of story or failed careers out of daytime. This makes it so each coda of a soap relationship has a comma instead of a period, unless the show is canceled. It also helps I usually date people that resurrect themselves.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Darkest Night

I find it incredibly ironic that at the end of the last decade DC Comics started publishing a comic book mega event called Blackest Night. For those of you that don't know what the frak I am talking about (you will next summer thanks to Ryan Reynolds) the Green Lantern's oath "In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight Let those who worship evil's might, Beware my power... Green Lantern's light!" has taken literal form as the forces of evil descend upon the DCU and forever alter it's landscape. I was thinking about this today because I haven't picked up my comic books yet and how it is becoming the blackest night for our popular cultural consciousness.

What are these signs of the Apocalypse that is coming? Let us begin with the smallest and move up the ladder. The first small sign was the removal of Paula Abdul from Idol. This is small to me because let's face it, eventually they were going to have to put her in rehab and she would have to leave anyway. I call this moment the prelude. From there we have the obsession with Jon & Kate. Don't get me wrong I am totally team Kate but do they need to be on every magazine cover known to (wo)man? You people interrupted daytime (again) to cover the fact a boy was in a balloon. Really? REALLY? We don't interrupt daytime for major events to announce bombings in the countries we are at war in but a kid being a balloon get national coverage? Guiding Light, the longest running program in television history get's canceled and shortly after the other longest running soap As The World Turns gets cancelled. The View Hosts win an Emmy? People randomly yelling in inappropriate places?

Next we have the national obsession with Tiger Woods' libido. Is there seriously anyone, ANYONE, that is shocked that a professional athlete would be unfaithful to his wife. Let me say this again - A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. I think it would be more impressive had the news story been that an athlete HAD been faithful to his spouse.

This built up to the turn of the year and the beginning of 2010. The winner of X-Factor didn't have the number 1 single on Christmas? Kathy Griffin banned from CNN and me agreeing? Chelsea Handler breaking up with Grey Goose? Not being able to say the word "Situation" without laughing? Five Head leaving the air (wait this is bad?) Glee not using the complete my album feature on iTunes? The Bachelor being upset that one of the 25 girls he is dating started dating someone else? The Tonight Show starting at 12:05? Simon Cowell leaving American Idol? Best Week Ever is Canceled? Ragtime closing.

The most important shift: Oprah leaving Daytime.

Make no mistake my friends, this is the Blackest Night. So what comes next? Already we have seen the signs of Brightest Day.

Chris Brown has quit Twitter and for once is silent. Chelsea sold out not out of genuine love but money which fits her profile and her new book Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang will be coming out soon. Hannah Montana has retired but Miley lives on. LOST ending on its own terms. That damn dislike button may finally be born. The Phoenix will be reborn. Matthew Morrison signed to Mercury Records. Five Head off of the Air. X-Factor - the Simon way. Glee gets an early second season renewal meaning no long break. Also, Glee being nominated for the Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series SAG award. Now here is to this weekend and Glee winning the Golden Globe and the Chargers making Jet fans cry.

You see things are looking up my chickens. Here's to the end of the Blackest Night and the eager anticipation of the Brightest Day.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Small Packages

The thing about Resolutions is trying to keep them. My resolution was to write 2-3 blog entries a week and then add a new resolution each month after successfully completing the first. So far it is working but I need to write two things before Sunday. Ouch. The punishment for failing to meet my resolution is painful. I won't be water boarded or anything, but worse. I will be grounded and not able to go out for a WEEK. Anyone that has spent 30 mins in NYC will know that the punishment will far exceed the crime. It is difficult because I just wanted to focus on the positive this week.

Tuesday my life was dramatically changed when my special packaged finally emerged from the delivery truck my sister calls a uterus. Eliana Elizabeth is the hottest piece of Australian Angus Beef ever. That is not an exaggeration. It is a statement of fact. So you can imagine how retrospective a moment like this can bring up in a person. They are almost like a flashback episode or a 100th episode celebration. I was thinking of all of the things I had to impart to my little Joey.

First things first, my sister's allergy to pink is not genetic. My favorite colors: pink, brown, and creme will be shared and worn by my Joey. I would teach the art of social media, stellar popular culture, the lessons of secret identities and the meanings behind Jem and Hannah Montana. This little Joey like my last ward (hi Patrick) would know all of the rules of Survivor by age 2. We would go shopping, listen to Pop music, and more. Although because this little nugget would be in Australia my American experience would be even more valuable.

For 9 months I have called the baby a Joey because my sister has a fascination with "old school" methods including not knowing the sex of babies. Obviously, I objected to this because how was I going to shop? Thankfully, I used my powers as a White Phoenix of the Crown to divine the sex of my little bundle of Joy. Either way these are all things I could do with either a boy or a girl. Although I do think the tiarra would be a bit much for a boy, these are challenges that could be worked out.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Fallen Idols

There is a reason why were we warned to beware false idols. As most of you know I have a certain affinity for two dames of comedy. I have loved them and supported them from Suddenly Susan to Comedy Central Specials to Girls Behaving Badly. I have paid money to read their books, watch their live performances, and even upgraded my cable package to get their shows. For most of December I have tried to avoid the Tiger Woods commentary but I now understand what Elin feels because I have been betrayed by my comedic spouses Kathy Griffin and Chelsea Handler.

Normally, I would be all outraged that Kathy has once again been banned from something because of her loud mouth. This time I shockingly agree with CNN and Kathy I don't forgive you for that. The biggest crime committed on the New Year's Eve special wasn't you dropping the F-Bomb Ma'am but that you just weren't funny. Talking about Anderson Cooper pleasuring himself, picking on a 7 year old kid that obviously belongs in the care of Protective Services and still no funny. It screamed desperate and made me feel more ashamed than when I cried in college to get my Chemistry professor to pass me. That desperation didn't work back in 2000 and it didn't work now. Worse of all this is on the heels of My Life on The D-List having a horrific season and the ratings bomb that was your New Year's Eve coverage. It was enough to make me want to watch Carson. Now that is something else, I cannot forgive you for.

Chelsea. My precious Chelsea. I have been with you since the stand up. I loved and envied your Horizontal Life. I thought our mutual blend of being half Mormon/half Jew would keep us together forever. OK, so I am only half faux Jew but I went to services for something last year and that should count for something. Your racy wit, constant eye rolling, and dislike for Tyra Banks touched me in places that only Bartenders have before you. Every evening, the moment I look forward to the most is when I turn off my lights and snuggle up to my talking Stitch doll and let you into my bed.

This is why your betrayal hurts the most.

The fact that you didn't tell one single joke about Five head leaving the airwaves is reason enough for me to be scared that you will take the Rosie O'Donell method of hosting. But then, then you did the unthinkable - by not only admitting to an affair on the air but then talking poorly about your former partner. Unacceptable and more than enough for me to channel my own inner Tyler Durden. It was quiet possibly the most disturbing thing I have seen on TV this year including the Dexter finale.

Chelsea, Grey Goose has been there for you in the good times and in the bad. The nights when you were feeling insecure because the boy you liked didn't realize you were alive? Grey Goose was there. The time you forgot your wallet at the bar and when you got it back it didn't have any cash? Grey Goose was there. Or even the time you went home for Christmas and had to deal with your siblings' kids? Grey Goose was there. There were times when the bottle was just there in the room, unopened, but just there waiting for you like an unrequited lover. Now you turn your back on Goose because Belvedere has something better? Where was Belvedere for you when your shows were canceled or when your friends got engaged or when guys were just mistakes waiting to happen?

You turned Goose into a Starter Wife because you found a flaw. So what if Goose has sugar. Goose has always had sugar. It had sugar when you met and it has sugar after you left. Chelsea - I am ashamed of you. I will still support you but it just won't ever be the same again. I will now be left waiting for you to dump me because of one of my intrinsic flaws like I come with smiles included.

Between this, Bachelor Jake, and Glee I am not pleased with the start of 2010. Hopefully, a little fall of rain/snow will come and wash away what's past. I am putting you both on notice. This is strike one.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Creating Reality

It was New Years Eve and I was at work trying to create reality when the thought occurred to me tonight I am going to hear “I’ve Got A Feeling” more times in one night then I probably have my entire life. I debated posting a top ten of the decade/year and the rest of the introspective nonsense associated with this time of year when I also remembered it was time to reset the play counts on my computer. As many of you know I have a slight obsession with my iPod and music. Every year I neurotically reset my play counts to see what music I have really listened to the entire year.

There is this thing about perception and reality. You hear it all the time, “the fake it till you make it” and the rest of the dime store clichés. It got me wondering though what actually is the “reality”. I have a slightly obsessive personality and was expecting to see the list of my top 25 songs populated with things like the Glee soundtrack since it is literally the only thing I listen to. It really confused me that even with an impressive 102 listens – Glee and the mashup of Halo/Walking on Sunshine only was number 16. In fact none of my top ten were songs that were even released this year. The songs:

1. Rockstar by Miley Cyrus with 151 listens
2. Should’ve Said No by Taylor Swift with 145 listens
3. Great Escape by Boys Like Girls with 127 listens
4. You’re So Vain by Brooke White with 124 listens
5. Damaged by Danity Kane with124 listens
6. Don’t Waste Your Time by Kelly Clarkson with 118 listens
7. Picture to Burn by Taylor Swift with 118 listens
8. Fly on the Wall by Miley Cyrus with 115 listens
9. Bleeding Love (Klub Kidz Radio Edit) by the Klub Kidz with 109 listens
10. Tattoo by Jordin Sparks with 108 listens

Besides the fact I share the music tastes of a 14year old girl (hi Kelly) I wasn’t so sure what else one could learn from this list. It made me wonder though if there weren’t other things that I thought that I did but I actually didn’t do. The thing that sprung to mind is writing. I have a pretty little diploma in a frame underneath my parents’ bed that says I am a writer. The writing file on my desktop has dozen of files and subfolders that have laid dormant longer than Toni Basil’s career. So, as part of the new year, I came up with a simple thought: writers write. I am not promising the next Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs or even something worthy of being in Star magazine. I am not even sure what I will be writing about hence the name of this blog – Working Without a Script.