The Love Game

Now I made a pact with myself and my keyboard that I really wouldn't talk much about my love life on this thing because to be honest there isn't much of one. Thankfully, my sister just popped out a kid which should buy me at least another 2-3 years until the kid issue comes up again with my parents. Thinking about the baby and the process that normal people take to get there made me realize what an interesting ritual dating actually is. The archaic nature of the beast being finding someone you are actually attracted to, the games it takes to go on a date, then the dates that lead up to the "conversation" and then the actual relationship which is a cycle of events that come and go on a pretty regular cycle. I being of sound mind and not so perfect body have come up with four categories: Approach, Gratification, Conflict, and Resolution.

So you are thinking to yourself that the only game I have is a dusty copy of Ultimate Alliance so what do I know about dating? I ask myself that question nightly as I climb into my warm bed and get an "I Love You" from my talking Stitch so maybe one of you naysayers can give me some hints. If you feel so inclined though I expect you to actually be good at relationships or at least getting through stage one: the approach.

Now there are many ways that this happens, according to Gossip Girl it usually happens across a crowded room full of glitteratis. In my life, it is usually just a friend of a friend or the poor inconvenient drunk I have stumbled across. Either way how to engage someone is the key role. This is the part I have the most trouble with because let's face it: I am "aggressively friendly" or in other words I ain't got game. After a certain breakup (hi Caroline P) my sister told me that the key to dating was liking the other person less than they like you.

I'm not very good at the game of pretending I don't like someone and I'm even worse at ritual of waiting three days before calling and all of those other wives tales. Maybe that is why I was better at dating K-12. The object of my affection was screwed and knew they had to see me 180+ days so they might as well give me a chance? Because we are all different there are tons of different ways for one to approach another person. Although, the only approach that I have heard of usually involves sending someone a drink. Even then it doesn't seem to work and to be honest makes me think it is creepy. Although, I freely accept drinks. The Goose-ier the better.

Next if you can move past Approach, you land into Gratification. This is where I excel. Like Bruce Jenner Olympic style excel. Now Gratification isn't just sexual you perverts. What I mean is the happy stage/feeling you get when you are first dating someone. In my mind this is the best stage to stay in and you want to stay in as long as possible and get back to it as quickly as possible. The joys of this include the texting, emailing, sharing of new articles, learning each other's favorite things and just the happy. I may not be a good dater but you'll be damned to find someone to say I'm not a good boyfriend.

Conflict. The worst part of all relationships is the moment you introduce conflict. Like adding Kara DiGuardi, conflict changes things forever. I think we all know what this is. Conflict can either strengthen you and lead you back to Gratification or send you straight into Resolution.

Resolution the part where you either accept the relationship as it is or you decide to pull a Rose and let Jack sink. This part is difficult for me because my mother made a fatal parenting mistake with me when I was younger and let me watch soaps with her. On soaps, time pretty much moves the same it moves in the real world meaning characters come and go and they age. The characters are thrust into several situations forcing them together and then they are ripped apart. Years can pass and then the characters are reconnected to one another because of story or failed careers out of daytime. This makes it so each coda of a soap relationship has a comma instead of a period, unless the show is canceled. It also helps I usually date people that resurrect themselves.