Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Fallen Idols

There is a reason why were we warned to beware false idols. As most of you know I have a certain affinity for two dames of comedy. I have loved them and supported them from Suddenly Susan to Comedy Central Specials to Girls Behaving Badly. I have paid money to read their books, watch their live performances, and even upgraded my cable package to get their shows. For most of December I have tried to avoid the Tiger Woods commentary but I now understand what Elin feels because I have been betrayed by my comedic spouses Kathy Griffin and Chelsea Handler.

Normally, I would be all outraged that Kathy has once again been banned from something because of her loud mouth. This time I shockingly agree with CNN and Kathy I don't forgive you for that. The biggest crime committed on the New Year's Eve special wasn't you dropping the F-Bomb Ma'am but that you just weren't funny. Talking about Anderson Cooper pleasuring himself, picking on a 7 year old kid that obviously belongs in the care of Protective Services and still no funny. It screamed desperate and made me feel more ashamed than when I cried in college to get my Chemistry professor to pass me. That desperation didn't work back in 2000 and it didn't work now. Worse of all this is on the heels of My Life on The D-List having a horrific season and the ratings bomb that was your New Year's Eve coverage. It was enough to make me want to watch Carson. Now that is something else, I cannot forgive you for.

Chelsea. My precious Chelsea. I have been with you since the stand up. I loved and envied your Horizontal Life. I thought our mutual blend of being half Mormon/half Jew would keep us together forever. OK, so I am only half faux Jew but I went to services for something last year and that should count for something. Your racy wit, constant eye rolling, and dislike for Tyra Banks touched me in places that only Bartenders have before you. Every evening, the moment I look forward to the most is when I turn off my lights and snuggle up to my talking Stitch doll and let you into my bed.

This is why your betrayal hurts the most.

The fact that you didn't tell one single joke about Five head leaving the airwaves is reason enough for me to be scared that you will take the Rosie O'Donell method of hosting. But then, then you did the unthinkable - by not only admitting to an affair on the air but then talking poorly about your former partner. Unacceptable and more than enough for me to channel my own inner Tyler Durden. It was quiet possibly the most disturbing thing I have seen on TV this year including the Dexter finale.

Chelsea, Grey Goose has been there for you in the good times and in the bad. The nights when you were feeling insecure because the boy you liked didn't realize you were alive? Grey Goose was there. The time you forgot your wallet at the bar and when you got it back it didn't have any cash? Grey Goose was there. Or even the time you went home for Christmas and had to deal with your siblings' kids? Grey Goose was there. There were times when the bottle was just there in the room, unopened, but just there waiting for you like an unrequited lover. Now you turn your back on Goose because Belvedere has something better? Where was Belvedere for you when your shows were canceled or when your friends got engaged or when guys were just mistakes waiting to happen?

You turned Goose into a Starter Wife because you found a flaw. So what if Goose has sugar. Goose has always had sugar. It had sugar when you met and it has sugar after you left. Chelsea - I am ashamed of you. I will still support you but it just won't ever be the same again. I will now be left waiting for you to dump me because of one of my intrinsic flaws like I come with smiles included.

Between this, Bachelor Jake, and Glee I am not pleased with the start of 2010. Hopefully, a little fall of rain/snow will come and wash away what's past. I am putting you both on notice. This is strike one.

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